Looking for something deeper to drown in...

MOVED..

2009-02-16T21:42:00.001-05:00

http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com
http://janxxx.tumblr.com

My latest obsession..

2009-02-13T15:47:00.004-05:00

Lady GaGa

Italian. Yonkers. NYU's Tisch School of the Arts.
Sex goddess & total badass.

Tears of joy & disappointment..

2009-01-05T17:12:00.001-05:00

I got my acceptance letter from FIT today.

THANK GOD.

I've never been so paranoid.

2008-12-04T17:11:00.002-05:00

It's been hell of a week...

Macy's Herald Sq with Fashion Marketing 12/4

Reminder to self: It isn't fair that you let that idiot hurt you four times, welcomed arms and every thing, yet you can't even let this new dude's first slip go.

I honestly can't believe you did this to me. Out of everyone, I never thought you'd be the one to do something like this. You were my best friend. After everything that's said and done, nothing will ever be the same. I'll always miss how it used to be with us. I just want you to know that my walls are back up.

Dear Santa....

2008-11-24T20:47:00.004-05:00

This is what I want for Christmas.

Pruheety please.

The 4 people you meet in life?...

2008-11-06T08:38:00.003-05:00

I found this on ISS, and I just wanted to share it here.
After reading this, I feel a bit lost and disappointed with some revelations.

---

Life is the process of finding love; every person will need to find four people in their life.

The first person is you; the second person is the one you love most, the third person is the one who love you most, and the fourth is the one you spend the rest of your life with.

First in life, you will meet with the one whom you love most, and learn how love feels. You will learn how love feels, so you can find the person who loves you the most. When you have experienced the feeling of loving others and being loved, you will then know what it is you need most. Then you will find the person who is most suitable for you, to be able to spend the rest of your life with.

Sadly, in real life, these three people are usually not the same person.

The one you love most doesn't love you. The one who loves you most is never the one you love most. And the one you spend your life with is never the one you love most or the one who loves you most. He is just the person who happens to be at the right place at the right time.

Which person are you in other people's life?

No person will purposely have a change of heart. At that point in time, when he loves you, he really loves you. But when he doesn't love you anymore,he really doesn't love you anymore. When he loves you, he can't pretend that he doesn't. Same goes, when he loves you no longer, there's no way he can pretend he loves you.

When a person doesn't love you and wants to leave you, you must ask yourself if you still love him. If it so happens that you don't love him anymore, do not keep him just to save your pride. If you still love him, you should wish him happiness and hope that he will be with the one he loves most, not stop him from it. If you stop him from finding true happiness with the one he loves, it shows you already don't love him, And if you don't love him, what rights do you have to blame him for a change of heart?

Love is not possessive. If you like the moon, you can't just take it down and put it in your basin. But the moonlight still shines upon you. In other words, when you love a person, you can use another method of possessing the person. Let him become a permanent memory in you life. If you really love a person, you must love him for what he is. Love him for his good points, and the bad. You can't wish for him to become what you like him to be just because you love him.

When you really love a person, you cannot find a reason why you love him. You only know that no matter when and where, good mood or bad mood, you will wish to have this person be with you. Real love is when two people can go through the toughest problems without asking for promises or listing criterias. In a relationship, you have to put in effort and give in at times, not always be on the receiving end. Being away from each other is a type of test; if the relationship isn't strong, then you can only admit defeat. Real love will never become hate.

When two people are in love, they love to ask each other to swear, to make promises. Why do they ask each other to swear and promise? Because they don't trust each other, they don't trust their lover. These swears and promises are useless. Till the sky falls, till the ocean dries, my love for you will never change! We all know that the sky will never fall and that the ocean will never dry. And if it does happen, will we even be alive?

Be careful when making promises; don't make promises that you cannot keep.Swear by things that can never happen, because it can never happen, so no harm just saying it casually.

Remember, swearing by things that can never happen are the most touching!

I'm still hungry for more of you, you taste like love to me..

2008-11-04T10:58:00.004-05:00

This morning, I found out that one of my older childhood friends is having a baby shower this Sunday. My 'lil sister' is turning 7 years old this June. I'm actually taking my Morning Glory Babu planner into serious use. I'm starting to save money for I don't know what. I have a shit load of phone calls to make and deadlines to meet.

Holy shieeeeeet.

I'm still breathing.. though we've been dead for a while.

2008-10-17T19:28:00.003-04:00

So during lunch, I was talking to JoPa, Angelica and Alexa. They noticed I wasn't the usual.

I opened up, which I haven't done to any one in a while, especially in school. I explained what happened yesterday and I was on the verge of breaking down. It's been a while since I've felt this sad... Short and simple. SAD. I realized today that I've stopped writing, taking pictures and other stuff. I used to write and blog so much before and I think with every thing that's happened to me, it's gotten me to where I am today.. my own congested cave.

I was talking to the girls about this argument that my dad and I had a while ago where he ended up in tears. My mom wanted me to stay home when I wanted to go out and hang out with Andy. I consistently refused, which got my dad into the argument. He ended up confessing to me that he never felt so bad for me when Andy backed out on me the night before my pageant, leaving me with no time to find another escort.

My dad found a note I wrote to my ex two years ago. When he found it, my dad questioned me with concern, which I found annoying, coming from a 'stranger.' The day of the argument, he explained to me that he didn't want me to invest myself into a person who wasn't going to do the same for me. Admitting to his own fault, "I've left you before, your ex left you before, and I don't want to see you hurt again. So please. Don't do this to yourself. Not yet. It's still too early," since we were only together for 6 months.

As I was telling the girls about this, I started to cry, cause I finally realized that it was happening all over again. I miss myself 11 months ago. The old me wouldn't have let this gone this far. The old me would be shaking it's head, feeling bad for the girl that I am now. I'm always getting left behind and it sucks. I fought with him, my family, and myself just to keep this alive and right now I'm having a difficult time explaining myself. I've run out of excuses.

I've changed. You've changed. We've changed. I miss the old me and I really miss the old you. You used to be my best friend. I used to be rested assured that you'd be there for me the second I'd call. I swear I used to be intoxicated just by talking to you. I've never felt such a natural high. I used to know that you were better than the others, and that you made for my past mistakes. That you made up for the useless flings, wasted emotions, tears and sleepless nights. I used to know that you were the one that I was gonna marry.

I used to know..

Make up to break up?..

2008-09-20T16:12:00.003-04:00

I honestly don't know why the hell I'm still here sometimes. Knowing him, I know he won't even see this. I'm getting bored of this breaking up to make up, making up to break up. After having a pretty good night together last night, he pisses me off like this. Ugh.

I wish you were here right now, so I can smack you as hard as I can. I fucking hate you sometimes. I really wish you would just listen to me, stop cutting me off when I'm telling you something, hate on something that amuses me - it makes me not wanna tell you anything anymore. Am I doing too much?... Shit. It seems like I'm the only one in this fucking relationship sometimes. Always making 2 hour trips to him, yet he gets mad when all I ask of him is an extra hour to hang out with him when he drops me off to my bus. I'm so pissed right now I'm speechless. Wtffff. Don't question me why I'm not as submissive as I was in the beginning. Cause I'm so fucking tired of being submissive to someone who doesn't reciprocate. This would be so much easier if I didn't love you.

Fuck you and have a nice day.

Swagga like NINE...

2008-09-17T22:10:00.005-04:00

So pep rally was today. Uber lots of fun. I think we're the baddest class that's ever prowled the halls of Union High. Starting our rally at 7:30 (AM) entering the halls, screaming 09, breaking lunch tables, terrorizing the lower class men during all of the lunch periods. Boy do I loooooooooooove being a senior.

Tin & I

Kev & I

On the way to the field

Our grass is MAD green.

White boys wylin' out in the back

<3

Fuck Gibbons.
09's cow is a bad ass.
COWS HAVE NIPPLES TOO.
Exemptions all the fuckin' way.

Fin.

Like really? LIKE... OHH MAAA GWAUDDD.

2008-09-06T23:36:00.003-04:00

So while I was waiting for Andy to meet me at 42nd, I decided to stroll around. Guess what I saw. My heart jumped.

So many photographers and fierce fags. Literally. adkjalksdj. One of the many reasons why I looove New York fawkin' City. It was the opening, so I got to see a shit load of make up and hair people going in and out. Some unknown topnotch bitches and lucky daughters. Didn't get to see any celebrities cause it was still early.

This couple had me laughing. I don't know why.The guy has that German aura on him.IDK... Just let the picture speak for itself.

I like her shoes.. (Girl in the black)

I almost shatted in my pants.I thought it was Victoria Beckham, but it was just a look alike.
Feelin' this fit.

Some confident ass lady.

They look so cute together.

School's okay. My marketing teacher informed me that we can now wear flip-flops to school. That sadly made me love this school a little bit more. (5th) Lunch is alright, but it can definitely be better. This year I'm sitting (catching up) with Tin & Robert. There are probably only 20 seniors in my lunch. With the way my schedule is going, I think it's gonna be a pretty good year.

Finally ordered my camera... Can't wait.

My sexy points just went down...

2008-08-26T10:46:00.005-04:00

Soooooooooooooooooo. Steven's finally convinced me to get a Canon instead of a Nikon. I was really hoping to get a Nikon, but OH WELL - Steven's got me trapped in Team Canon.. Nikons to me are just SO much sexier, I don't know why. However, Steven's hate towards Nikons (except the D300) amuses the fuck outta me.

infam0ussteven: my god.. the d300 sounds like a paintball gun
infam0ussteven: shit is fucking fast
infam0ussteven: 8.1 frames
infam0ussteven: rofl
infam0ussteven: while the d40 is 6.5 fps
infam0ussteven: I mean 40d
infam0ussteven: so that's why I've been convinced
infam0ussteven: but with the 50d coming in october I'm pretty sure it'll be better than d300

WTFFFF right?

xisweetz: does ISS have a team canon?
xisweetz: hahahah
infam0ussteven: yes rofl
infam0ussteven: team nikon vs canon
infam0ussteven: nikon shooters are staying strong but the canonians aren't far away
infam0ussteven: hehe
xisweetz: CANONIANS?
xisweetz: WTFFFFFFFF.
xisweetz: HAHAHAHAHAH

Anyways.. I must confess something.

Ever since I attended FIT's Summer Live Program. I've gotten super intimidated shitless. akld;jlkdja. I hate being intimidated, specially when it comes to stupid ish.. like college.. like HELLLLLO! Anyways. Their summer program had kids from all over the world. Forget the fact that FIT is famous nationally, but internationally? WHO KNEW? --- I honestly didn't. So I'm stressing about majors, thinking about other schools in New York that has Production Management, thinking about other majors I can possibly take. I feel like I gotta get this all straightened out before November, WHILE applying to colleges. With responsibilities piling up on my lap, and missing on the adolescent days, I'm about to crack.

So far with my endless hours of researching other schools with my major, I only found 3 schools in New York. I don't wanna leave New York. It's hard enough that my two best friends go to different schools, me not wanting to leave my boyfriend and the city that I love the most - I just don't wanna leave New York, period. I take rejection hard.. and I try my best to ALWAYS come prepared for it. The future kinda scares me. I think with the major I'm gonna do won't let me have a family, won't give me the time I want. I don't wanna miss a thing. Seriously.

I really wanna have another major in mind, just in case. I just don't know what else to do. I just know I'm NOT doing nursing or anything medical. Maybe something in the computer field, but it's so vast. I need to come up with other majors now.

I can't wait for school to start already so I can talk to my guidance counselor.

Did I just say that?

Responsibilities are eating me ahhhhhhlive!

2008-08-19T09:25:00.003-04:00

Why the efffffff is everyone growing up so fast?!

Do you really want to add _________ as a friend?...

2008-08-11T09:20:00.006-04:00

Okay. Here's the deal....

There was once this girl I used to be sooo close with. We were best friends since middle school, going into high school and basically, parted our own ways based on both our stubbornness before going into sophomore year. I can tell that both our mothers were a bit sad that we both gave up on something that took so long to build. My mom lost her mom as a friend too, y'know...

Sophomore year was a hard year for me too. Before the summer even started, my ex totally dipped out on me without even saying bye. I go to the Philippines stressed out planning a party, trying to forget my ex and oh I was also trying to have a vacation. Just one argument. I can't believe it just took one argument to break that friendship that took me so long to find and fight for. I don't know, maybe it was cause we didn't have lunch together sophomore year, which really decreased the chance of us putting our pride to the side and forgetting it. Either way, I knew that I wanted an apology cause every argument we had, I'd always have to be the bigger person and apologize, and this one time we argued, I was just waiting if she was going to clean up the mess. The mess that she made, the mess that I made having to wait for her.... The mess that WE made.

Everything's been said and done and I honestly can't regret one thing. Okay, maybe one thing. I should've just kissed and made up. Buttttttttttttttt. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have met the people I've met, I wouldn't have made the mistakes I've made, and I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. All of that drama happened sophomore year and on September 4th, I'm gonna be a senior.... I remember freshman year, during lunch, we were all planning to go to prom together, and thinking about that sucks big tiiiime. I can't say I hate her, cause I really don't. I envy the fact that even though I knew I was right for waiting for her to fight for our friendship at least once, she got to keep the other girls. No one sided with me. No one tried to comfort me... I'm not cool with her, and I'm mad at her AND myself for not cleaning up that big mess. Cause of our broken friendship, it's caused me to break a lot of other friendships off. It's caused me to keep my distance, when all I wanna do is just break free and not care about crossing lines.

The other day, I saw her under People You May Know in Facebook. Shit. I don't know if I should add her. I moved on. I definitely think she did too. I'm in a complete different mindset and I know she is too. I want to add her, but at the same time, I don't want to. I don't want any of us to get the wrong reason of why I'm even having thoughts on doing this. I just wanna start fresh and clean. Like we never knew each other and hopefully get to know each other again. Everything happens for a reason... if I make this happen.. I honestly don't have a good enough reason.. I think.

Something kinder to the eyes...

2008-08-04T09:46:00.004-04:00

Changed it up.
Painting my room, pics later.
So mannnnnnny changes on the way :]

BTW, my boyfriend is literally the best.

Somebody stop me!

2008-07-18T14:57:00.005-04:00

So yesterday was a very sad day for me cause my one and only favorite jelly t-strap that I bought from the Gap for $10 bucks cracked on me. I had to wait until after class 'til I can go to a store and buy some kind of footwear. I was soooo freakin' frustrated. I went to the Gap website to see if they had the same t-strap for sale, since I saw a girl on the subway the morning before with a fresh pair, and guess what? It wasn't there to be found. GRRRR. Mad to say that I had to go check the Old Navy site to see if they were still selling their jelly t-straps; and they were (but I still prefer the Gap, since the design is soooo plain and everyone and their mother has the Old Navy version of it). So with that, Angie and I hopped on the 1 to 34th and there wasn't any jelly t-straps there for me =/ So I ended up buying two pairs of bikinis and a pair of their bangin' flip flops, for 40 bucks... Ehhh.

Story doesn't end there, folks. Since I couldn't buy the jellys at the store, the first thing I did when I got into the office was buy them online. This time I bought 2 pairs of jellys, and a pair of suede studded t-straps. I smiled (finally) when I found out I bought the last pairs of black jelly straps. So while I was having fun with my card in the wonderful world of online shopping, I headed straight to Urban Outfitters, and went thru their stuff and tabbed out a couple of things. The process of elimination in this part was so difficult and sad, cuz the things I was actually willing to waste money on wasn't in my size anymore. I ended up buying a pair of jelly flats and a stripped tube top. Doesn't sound much, but I killed 70 bucks.

The reason why I've been soooooooo cheap lately is cause while I could be working in the office, making money, I'm at my classes at FIT trying to learn and make sure that the school notices me, and hopefully admits me. Anyways, supplies for my classes killed about 150 of my paycheck, plus lunch, bus and subway fares only makes the hole in my pocket bigger. I gotta concentrate on my To-Buy list.

To-buy:
That Gucci piece of shit thang that's been bothering me since Spring.
Fisheye camera/lens.
Subscriptions to Nylon & MissBehave.
Clothes for 09.
One way ticket to Paris.*

To-do:
August 1st, SUNY applications for 09 opens up.
Look for more schools with my major.
Save money and buy things I need/want at a fckin' reasonable price.
(I'm gonna be half Jewish by the end of the season)
Call my mom's Benz dealer for some Fashion Week tickets.
Look up Fashion Week schedule.
Find a job in Union.
Get that NaS album.
Save enough money to afford a day off at the office and hang out with the chicas.
Slow down on the whole growing up thing.*

* = I wish.

I'd rather die than suffer....

2008-07-06T12:57:00.002-04:00

First off, I don't like you. Everyone should know that by now. I have no respect for you, and I can never really admire you. Sad to say, I am the complicated person I am today cause of you. The only thing I have gained from this life long experience is learning to have standards; very high standards. It's cause of you that I had to force myself to grow up at such a very young age, and comes with that, I've inherited your pride. You have no idea how much it disgusts me to know the fact that you are a part of me. That everytime that poor miserable woman looks at me, she sees you. As much as I try to love all of her pain and sorrows away, she will always be reminded of you. Who the fuck do you think you are? It's been God knows how many years and here you come running, trying to take control. You think you're gonna be accepted into a territory you've desstered? I don't fuckin' think so. Don't expect me to not hold a grudge. You've stripped me of my childhood. If it wasn't for your green paper, we would've been out. I feel so bad for her, I really do. She's sacrificed so much for you and this is how you pay her back. I will never be that woman, nor will I ever lose my self respect. You suck at being a friend, a husband, and a father. Your other daughter will never learn to love you. Cause seriously, who has love for a stranger? You've made so many lives complicated. It's too much of a mess to clean up... What happened to 'I don't believe in karma?'... Your insecurities is just starting to eat you up, fuckin' hypocrite.

To my booboostankstank...

2008-06-12T06:53:00.003-04:00

You are MY epitome of a man for dealin' with a crazy girl like me.
It's me and you forever.
Love you babe <3

You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are?..

2008-05-22T15:47:00.003-04:00

"...You're chicken, you've got no guts.
You're afraid to stick out your chin and say,
"Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness."
You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.
Well baby, you're already in that cage.
You built it yourself.
And it's not bounded in the West by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land.
It's wherever you go.
Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

So fuckin' anxious.

2008-05-15T15:40:00.004-04:00

- Shit happens. Waiting sucks. Homegirl, I hope you learn your lesson. FAST.
- I gotta get thru this.
- I miss you so much. I can't hardly wait.
- If you only knew how frustrating this is for me.

BLAH.

GROUNDS FOR SCULPTURE - 2008

2008-04-23T06:54:00.003-04:00

You know I love it when you're loving me..

2008-03-29T11:34:00.004-04:00

The best thing since Paris 05.

This sucks.

2008-03-17T21:02:00.001-04:00

I miss my girls.
Terribly.

5 Pointz

2008-03-06T15:30:00.002-05:00

Hit up 5 Pointz with the boyfriend last Sunday..
Almost got arrested for being on the rooftop.. hah

VIVA FOREVER!

2008-02-22T17:02:00.007-05:00

So I went to the Spice Girls concert last Monday, the 11th. The concert really brought back my teenybopper moments. I felt like a lil girl again! The crowd roared every time Posh sang 1 or 2 lines. I loved her lil fashion show. Baby Spice is just too adorable. I just realized, Baby, Scary and Sporty did most of the singing. Ginger is blah. She did a banging version of It's Raining Men. Scary Spice hottie points went up over the years. She has a banging body. With the whole line up you can tell that Sporty's really focused on doing her own thing. Her performance of I Turn To You got me excited for Beatstock. (WoOoo. I can't wait!) Well, here's the pics.. Enjoy!

Cat, Nikki & Me

"STOP RIGHT NOW.."

IT'S RAINING MEN

BABY SPICE

"TOO MUCH.."

GIRL POWER.. hah

Sporty doin' her thang..

SPICE UP YOUR LIFE

THE END

This made me cry...

2008-02-11T18:10:00.001-05:00

Congrats to Amy Winehouse for doing so good at the Grammy's.
I'm SO happy she's doing better...

"18 to 1!"

2008-02-05T22:36:00.001-05:00

Congrats to the NY Giants for winning the 42nd Super Bowl!
I got a chance to skip school and go to the parade this morning with my boyfriend and his cousin...
It was overall a very good parade!

CROWEDED AS HELLLLL....

ON THEIR WAY TO CITY HALL....

Andy's cousin got his hat signed by 3 people...

AFTER THE PARADE...

I haven't done this whole relationship thing since forever...

2008-01-28T23:10:00.001-05:00

QUESTION.....
So after the honeymoon phase is over....
Where do you go from there?....

Back to reality......?

2008-01-25T18:06:00.000-05:00

Almost done with finals at school... This year went by so fast, I can't believe I'm gonna be starting second sem in a couple of days. Grrrrr. I remember the first day of summer'07 like it was yesterday... With my friends being on Winter Break for almost a month, celebrating my birthday for a whole weekend and being crazy sick afterwards, I've been SO out of it in school.. I need to get focused again, but the thought of summer is seriously gettin' to me.... I JUST CAN'T WAIT!

I had my Photo II final today, I hate being rushed when I know I'm gonna be graded on something. 30 minutes to print and mount. WTF?..

Anyways. I'll get back at this later.
But for now, I'll leave you with this...

LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!

I almost forgot..

2007-11-27T21:33:00.001-05:00

This is what I'm thankful for.

"I get so lost describing you sometimes.."

2007-11-27T20:34:00.001-05:00

"I don't know..you're right..things do change..things are always gonna change..sometimes things stay the same..sometimes things are better left unsaid..other times things are best if they're said..some times are right for things..other times are wrong for things..its just the way it is..hard to explain when there's so much to be said..."

Love wins.

2007-10-21T22:34:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite projects for Digital Arts. Finished it about 2-3 weeks ago. If it isn't obvious, it's for the brand Stussy. I should be making (big) prints next week. I'm framin' it up and putting it up in my room. I can't wait!

Let's start this shit!

2007-10-17T19:57:00.000-04:00

Listenin' to: KanyeWest - FamilyBusiness

Aright, aright, so after a few months of trying to get started on this site, I finally got motivated last night. I got shit done and tada! Keepin' it simple and clean. Blogspot is to Xanga as Facebook is to Myspace.

So yesterday, my PhotoII class hit up Central Park. It was a beautiful day, birds chirping, fall breeze flowin', bums tellin' students to keep their eyes to where they're going. If only we were five minutes earlier, we could've met Sean Lennon, John Lennon's son.. These were taken with my digital, I still have to develop my b&w pics, so keep your heads up for that.

The reality of junior year is finally hittin' me. Papers, the never ending list of reading materials, after school activities, SATs, college searching and oh, you can't forget about the parties... I'm so motivated to work and get to college alreaddddddddy.. I'm too gully for high school, I tell you!